The days are going quicker, so far they're colder  and I haven't had the motivation to write a blog post for so long. To tell you the truth, I've not had much motivation to do anything lately, all for a reason i've held rather close to my chest (at least on here), becoming all at once hungry to strive forward and do something, to reach some sort of meaning and form of living, whilst becoming completely and totally disillusioned with everything and anything all at once. In August 2015, I lost my mum to that horrid, non-discrimitive disease, Cancer. 

(I am the ghost child on the left, i've always been Casper in the corner, to the right is my adorable Niece and in the middle is my beautiful mum)

My mum was my world and like lots of daughters out there, we had our moments but she knew me better than I knew myself and was my best friend, I was lucky. This is by no means a 101 or condescending post on how to deal with grief, or this disease, i'm not a doctor or an expert, this is more of me rambling on and hoping that maybe it helps myself and hopefully anyone who reads this, in not feeling alone. 

Alone. It's a ridiculous notion, thousands of people go through this and yet it makes you feel completely and utterly alone, simply because it affects people differently, under different circumstances, relations, ages, months and years. Alone because you can't magic or wish it all away, alone because you don't want to be upset you want to be strong for the person going through it. The person who physically has it, is trying to be strong for themselves and for those around them. Battling this disease is a completely alienating feeling and there's nothing you can do about it, except talk, laugh and cry and act 'normal'. It's draining. 

I started this blog back up in September, for numerous reasons, to make my mum proud, to see I'm actually doing something, to feel like I was doing something, to finish through something I started, grasping at something to hold on to. I  guess also did it to block the pain, looking at a computer screen, baking things, going to town, I didn't have to look round the house and not see my mum there.  

Hell, I even managed to play a pretty big gig in Sefton Park three days after we all said goodbye, I kept going into uni sorting out things I was going to do for my final year  for when I start again in September, I volunteered to help a local music blog, I even signed up to do the Race for Life in July and hit the exercise button. 

It didn't last, 2 months after I burned out and crashed, completely. I lost motivation to run, to play music, to watch tv, to write. I didn't even like leaving the house to see my friends, it just hurt too much. 

 It was a bit like trying to make a cup of tea with broken hands whilst everyone else has a cuppa. No matter how much you try to make that cup of tea, you can't, you need some help, you need to heal but you don't want to be told that, so you end up smashing your mug and being annoyed at everyone else and their cuppa's. Following? 

I was trying to walk before I could run, or maybe run away like pac man, I went full speed and it all hit me like the turtle shells from Mario Kart I'd managed to dodge for so long and they all hit me one by one, right after another. It just made it worse, at least it did for me. 

This weekend was tough, it was Mother's day and I didn't think a day could affect you so much. I didn't even get this upset during my birthday or my mum's birthday. I was even out the day before having a laugh, celebrating my friends birthday. But what a difference a day makes,  I cried a lot, my eyes stung, I couldn't even say 'Happy Mother's Day' to my nan, I couldn't smile no matter how much i tried to tell myself my mum wouldn't want me sobbing and it made me feel awful. 

This week however, was a bit different, I don't know how, maybe it's just a good week,  I made brownies, I picked up my guitar, I played my piano, I bought vinyl and I decided to write. 

They say 'Time heals all wounds,' I don't believe that, we just adjust, grief doesn't leave, the ache will always be there, it isn't a solid, 'THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS'. It just hits you when you least aspect it, it pulls back when you least expect it. You can hate and love everything surrounding you at the same time, you can go from laughing to crying or feeling nothing but numbness in seconds. It's been 8 months of a rollercoaster for me, at times pure agony yet at times i've never felt more loved by friends and family or grateful for them. 

When help is offered, take it. When your friends call, answer. When you want to cry, cry. When you want to laugh, laugh. Don't beat yourself up about not being able to do things like you  once did, you'll get there or you might find something new.

I guess this is just an appreciation post for all my friends and family, who've helped me through these past months, thanks for sticking by me and not giving up on me, getting me to go out and have that coffee, for making me have that night out,  for coming round, checking up on me via various media forms, for getting me to band practice, and making me laugh and cry in all the best ways. You've helped in more ways than you could imagine. And one massive thank you and love to my dad, I can't imagine what's going through his head at the moment, I don't know how he's doing what he's doing but I wouldn't even be getting out of bed if it wasn't for him, I promise I'll start putting the wash on soon. Thank you. 

 TIPS & PLACES:

•  If you're a university student suffering from grief, depression or anxiety PLEASE do not hesitate to contact your academic advisor, your student support team or the university counselling service. They're willing to help!!
• Go to your GP if you're having difficulty, they will be able to direct you to local counselling services such as bereavement services, Talk  &  MIND, your GP should also help you if you need more than this. You CAN contact these services of your own accord. 
• There IS a centre specifically for people dealing with cancer or relatives with cancer in the North West, based at Clatterbridge called MAGGIE'S. 
• If you've lost appetite, drink milk & water at least. You're going to need your strength and you won't even realise you're loosing weight or not eating much. 
• Alcohol doesn't help, trust me on that one, it will for a few hours, you'll forget everything but then you'll cry, get angry, tell your friends and family you hate them,  wake up with a stinking hangover, bruises, and the searing sense of dread you just pushed everyone you hold dear away and the pain will hit you all over again.
• Don't give up, Don't give in.

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